Archive for topic “Kansas news”

Kansas beef exporter banned from testing for Mad Cow

Kansas’ own Creekstone Farms Premium Beef found a serious problem in our “free market” here in the good ‘ol USA. Creekstone wanted to test 100% of their animals for Mad Cow disease (bovine spongiform encephalopathy). This horrifying disease causes the equally-horrifying Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease in humans. Sounds like a good idea, right? This is a company that WANTS to test its product for dangerous pathogens. Well, evidently, this quest for cleanliness makes those pesky Kansans downright un-american. From BoingBoing:

…the Bush administration took Creekstone to court, and a US federal appeals court ruled that the USDA has the authority to stop meatpackers from testing more than 1% of its cattle. Mark Frauenfelder

From the AP story:

Larger meat packers opposed such testing. If Creekstone Farms Premium Beef began advertising that its cows have all been tested, other companies fear they too will have to conduct the expensive tests.Matt Apuzzo
Associated Press

If the last eight years haven’t convinced you that we are governed by sociopaths, this is, unequivocally, sociopathic behavior on the part of the Federal Government.

On behalf of my fellow Kansans and the rest of the American people, I would like to say thank you to the good citizens that work for Creekstone Farms. You all made a valiant effort to protect public safety and you deserve praise. Please keep fighting the good fight!

Read the full opinion of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia (PDF)

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Looking for cheap tuition? Brave the ‘Kansas Rectangle’

The dreaded 'Kansas Rectangle'

Image: The Onion

The dreaded 'Kansas Rectangle'

The Onion has a classic dig on Kansas. Be sure to check it out.

For the record, this fair state of mine is not flat. If you want flat, go to Texas. My favorite line from the piece:
“Acquaintances of Corcoran say they warned him that once he entered the Rectangle, he would never make it back out, but he did not listen, and was drawn there to investigate tales of cheap tuition.”

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Kansas’ reputation saved by woman with toilet seat growing into her ass

According to my sources on the east coast (also from Kansas), there have been a lot of questions about the woman from Ness City, Kan. that spent two years on her boyfriend’s toilet. These include that old Kansas favorite, “Do you know her?” Well, I’ll save you the six degrees of separation calculations: I don’t know her and no one I know knows her. But in a strange way, all Kansans owe her a debt of gratitude.

You see, until this story, the last big national buzz we Kansans received (outside the sports arena) was for some infamous educational policies. Now, the “toilet seat woman” has brought the spotlight back, thankfully distracting the befuddled masses with a different reason to wonder about Kansas. But in that same moment, she has also vanquished the foibles of our past indiscretions.

Maybe this is flawed logic, or hopeful science, but doesn’t a woman with a toilet seat growing into her ass personify evolution? Perhaps not in a way reminiscent of the noble majesty of Galapagos tortoises. No, this is more real. This is visceral. We can all imagine what it would be like to have a toilet seat grow out of our collective asses. This is the power of the Mainstream Media. This, finally, will end the great evolution battle that still rages in dark corners of this great state. Thank you, Pam Babcock! Ad astra per aspera, indeed!

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